By Mike Dojc
Illustration by Clayton Hanmer

1. Tell her NASCAR is an acronym for the Nice Ass Saucy Cowboys Association of Racers.

2. Work the exclamations “Boogity, boogity, boogity!” and “Dang!” into your bedroom patter.

3. When the drivers start their engines, put your subwoofer behind her—if the massive roar doesn’t float her boat, the back massage will.

4. During a pit stop, get out the loofah brush, scrub her down and then refuel her snack bowl.

5. Point out Jeff Gordon, offi­­cial NASCAR chick magnet.